


They're Still Here

by UnderNightsWatch



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Manga Spoilers, Recovered Memories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-25 15:15:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6200056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnderNightsWatch/pseuds/UnderNightsWatch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Through meetings, and coincidences, Sasaki Haise learns about the person he once was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Serpent

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Okay so I need to explain a few things before anyone reads this:  
> 1) MAJOR SPOILERS! (it's in the tags...)  
> 2) This is my personal take on how Sasaki feels after meeting people from his past, but I still did refer to the manga for dialog and the events used in the story  
> 3) This will be pretty short, maybe 5 chapters max, but we'll see....  
> 4) This story is technically cannon, but I wanted to write an AU where Sasaki begins remembering earlier on in :Re, but keeps it to himself throughout the whole story  
> 5) Umm... That's pretty much it... Enjoy! :)
> 
> I do not own Tokyo Ghoul :RE, nor some of the dialog and events used in the story.

 

 

 

 

     "...Nishio s-senpai...?" The name had flown past my lips before I had a chance to process what I'd actually seen, but a second look confirmed there was no mistaking the familiar face under the serpents mask. But, it... It couldn't be, because that would mean...

    I gripped the different colored stands of my hair, and tugged on them roughly in confusion and pain. I did not even know this person, but, somehow, I  _did_  know he was someone important to me that I'd merely forgotten. Another wave of pain hit me like a gunshot to my head, and I fell to my knees, yelping in agony. I distantly heard Mutsuki and Shirazu call out, but I was already beyond understanding them. 

     Against my will, my shattered mind transported me from the fight, and back to when I was in cochlea, where I could see myself so clearly as if it was happening all over again. I could feel the itchy white gown I had worn, I could see the piles and piles of books that kept me from the brink of insanity... Smell the horrible concoction I forced down to keep... _Him_... At bay... Everything came crashing back, but most importantly, one. Single. Moment.

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_"Let.. Me... OUT!" I screamed, feeling the agonizing sensation of own my vocal cords stretch and rip with the force, but I was too focused on my current mission. I HAD to get out. To save them. Touka, Hinami, Mr. Yoshimura, Nishiki, Mr. And Ms Irimi, Banjou and the others, and even Tsukiyama... Hide..._

_With the fresh thoughts of my friends in danger, hurt, or worse, I attacked the door with new ferocity, my damaged voice reaching new levels, and I could only hope it carried far enough to attract the attention of any nearby investigators. I wanted them to know I wouldn't go down without a fight, that they would have to stop me from breaking down the fucking door!_

_I could feel my own fingernails breaking as I clawed at the barier between me and freedom, and the blood that soaked my hands. I could have been able to see this, if I hadn't just torn out my very eyes not minuets ago, trying to rid myself of the images of madness coursing through my mind._

_"LetmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmeoutletmEOUTLETMEOUT!!!" I chanted endlessly, throwing my food to the other side of my room to make way for my total and complete meltdown._

_"Special class Arima, you must not enter!" The warden shouted, catching me off guard, and I heard the door to my cell fly open, banging and echoing against the empty walls. It was then my yells suddenly died in my throat, and I felt a terrifyingly familiar presence just inches from me, accompanied by the chill and scent of death and decay._

 

_The shinigami of the CCG._

_The one who took me here._

_The one who took my eyes._

_The only one keeping me in this place._

 

_Even though I hadden't eaten anything in a very, very long time, I had an overwhelming urge to kill the man before me. More powerful than anything I had ever felt before in my nineteen years. Even more powerful than my own will to survive. But despite all this, I had no strength, and I was powerless to kneel before him as I felt his face move closer to my own, quietly uttering those fateful words that had ended my life as I knew it._

_"They are dead."_

_I stopped breathing... What? What did he just say..?_

_"All of them." He continued, in that souless, robotic monotone._

_No... No, god please no..._

_"I killed them all."_

_NO!_

_I let loose the wails of true torment I thought I haddent been holding back until now, and shrieked for all I was worth at the unfairness of the world. How could he!? They... They were my friends!_

_I screamed until my mind fully and finally snapped, and with it, went my last remaining shred of self._

_Until the day I saw Nishiki._

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     A few days later, when I found myself back with my squad, and in the safety of my room with my swirling thoughts, I began to hope for something I never thought I would hope for. I began to hope for lies. That maybe Arima had lied to me all along when he told me I had no family or friends left, that it was possible he dident know they were still around... Or he intentionally kept it from me. And judging by the unexpected memory, I had a sinking feeling it was the latter. But even so, I knew I had to trust that he had a reason, so I decided then and there to act as if nothing had happened. To keep up the act until more information came to light. Through my own memories, or from him. Either way, I was bound to get the truth one way or another, and I wasent sure that was what I ultimately wanted for myself as Sasaki Haise. But it wasent just about me anymore.

     Ever since I had met the man behind the mask, I felt a stirring within myself that I had never felt before, and I was pretty sure it was the past me. truthfully, I was terrified of meeting him, of him taking over. That being said, I still felt it was my obligation to find out more about my past life, for me and for him. So that is what I decided.

     I had gained a part of the old me back that day, and for better of worse, I knew it would stay until I was whole. Until either I was pushed from this body, or given permission to keep it...

     I suddenly shook my head, my light tipped bangs brushing against my forehead as I cleared away my dark thoughts for the night. I realized, that for now, I was focusing on the wrong things. Only a few days ago, I witnessed proof with my own eyes that maybe I wasent really alone in this world.

That maybe people from my past could still be alive.

That maybe they're really still here.

And that, gave me a reason to live.


	2. The Black Rabbit's Sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! Sorry it took a little while for me to get this chapter out, but I had some trouble writing it, and I wanted to make sure It was the best I could do so I spent a looong time editing :) 
> 
> With that said, please enjoy!

"Soo Sassan," Shirazu began, twirling my stolen glasses around in his free hand in a circular motion. "What's the next case for the Shirazu squad?"

 

      "The target is nutcracker." I informed him, gently yanking the lenses out of his hand, careful not to bend the rims, and folded them to put back into my coat pocket. An idea popping into my brain. "Come on, let's head back home. I still have paperwork to do." I started walking, taking care not to trip as I read over Nuts' information, and Mutsuki and Shirazu soon fell into step behind me.

 

"Wait, 'Nutcracker? Huh, a sweet?"

 

"Nope, it's something to... Crack nuts with.."

 

"I'm still lost." Shirazu complained.

 

     "Well, basically, this ghoul," I skimmed the page over, searching for the reason behind the strange alias. Shuddering a bit inside when I found it. It seems that the CCG's investigators weren't completely without a sense of humor, no matter how morbid it may be. "Likes to break men's testicles" I heard my two younger subordinates groan behind me, and I too sympathized with their uncomfortableness and revulsion. It was not new information that ghouls could be ruthless when driven to it, or for the sake of their own amusement, but it was peculiar for one to focus almost entirely on one particular method of devouring their prey. Sure, nut's still ate her fill of the poor victims, but it was still cruel and unusual behavior on their part.

 

       I briefly wondered if I had been just as terrifying when I had lived as a ghoul before I lost my memories.

 

       To take their minds as well as mine off the particulars of the upcoming case, I suggested we find something to drink before going home for the night. "I've been going around to all the tasty coffee shops," I explained, heading towards one I hadden't yet been in, but had passed frequently. "It's been my hobby since I was a rank two" I heard Mutsuki and Shirazu talking behind me about bringing Saiko home something, and I journeyed ahead a second time. Eager to get there.

 

        It was true this used to be my hobby when I was still new to CCG, back when I had the free time in-between cases to venture through the wards, but now searching for new cafes became more of an obsession. Some time ago, I had scowered the areas for the nicest place to read my books at my leisure, the cosiest chairs, and of course the best coffee. But now, instead of looking for a place, I was looking for a person. Of course, my subordinates didn't know this, and I intended to keep it this way for the time being. After my flashback a while ago, it became clear that I wasn't all alone, and that maybe members of my old life where still around. So, I've made it my mission to seek them out, despite the dangers I might be subjecting myself to if I ever fully regained my memories.

 

       "..Rrrrrr.. Eeeeeee..?" I heard Shirazu slowly pronounce behind me, confusion woven in his voice.

 

       "Wouldn't it be Ri?" Mutsuki suggested helpfully.

 

       "Shall we go in?" I asked, hoping my anxiousness was not too obvious. I couldn't help it though, something about this cafe pulled me to it, like it was drawing me in. The very notion was beyond ridiculous, but nonetheless I could barely hold myself back. What was it about this particular place? Or, was there someone inside that I was supposed to meet?

 

Oh well, I thought, I would find out soon enough.

 

      Leading part of my team through the doors, I let the soothing aroma of expertly brewed coffee take over my senses. The inside of :Re was decorated very modestly, with mismatched tables and chairs that added to the theme and cozy atmosphere, a few well placed plants on tables and counters that brightened up the room, and shelves and shelves of books with nick - nacks acting as dividers. Overall, the place was very nice, as well as strangely familiar... Like I had seen it before. While Mutsuki and Shirazu looked around, I wandered over to browse some of the titles. Surprisingly, I recognized more than a few among the vast numbers. I made a note to see if I owned anymore similar copies at home.

 

      I could have looked through the collection of books for hours, but a sudden uncomfortable prickly feeling at the base of my neck distracted me from the idea, and I turned around to find the reason for the uneasiness. Directly behind me, washing a pile of dirty coffee cups, was a slightly older man with chin length gray hair. Staring straight at me with a surprised expression, like he had seen a ghost.

 

_.... Huh?_

 

     My squad members had also taken notice of the Man's strange behaviour, and begun whispering amongst themselves. However, I didn't take my eyes off of his until something else snatched my attention. "Hey! How many times do I have to tell you?" A loud female voice shouted from the back, and I watched her scurry over towards us, her bright blue hair shining in the sunlight. I presumed she was the manager. I was about to tell her that it was okay, that we hadden't been waiting here for very long, before I caught a glimpse of her face, and the words died in my throat. My eyes widened, and I was struck by a strong feeling of deja vu like when I had met serpent. But not entirely the same.

 

        "... Don't forget to greet our customers.." She finished, her voice just masking her surprise and confusion, and I was overwhelmed by a single thought.

 

_Did... Did these people recognize me?_

 

~

 

"Sassan..." Shirazu called out once again to our mentor, but if he heard us, he didn't show it. We trailed behind him, silently walking back to the chateau, waiting for him or someone else besides Shirazu's random vocalizations to break the uncomfortable silence. But Sasaki stayed locked within his thoughts, much to my increasing worry. Finally, Shirazu had had enough of being ignored, and yelled as loud as he could to get Sasaki's attention.

 

"Hey, Sassan...!" Right after, Sasaki's head jerked in the direction of the voice, caught off guard by the sudden volume.

 

"Uhh... What?" He asked innocently. Shirazu just shook his head, rolling his eyes for extra effect. "Jeez, what're you spacing out for?" He complained, "about tomorrow's plans..."

 

Taking his subordinates hint, Sasaki checked his scheduling book, where he jotted down each and every upcoming event. "Ah, sorry." He apologized, "tomorrow we're meeting with Suzuya's squad. So we'll have to leave around 7:30." Our mentor gave us a shaky smile, and walked on, leaving me and Shirazu to ourselves.

 

"He's been acting weird ever since leaving the shop, wonder what's wrong..." The orange haired investigator mused to himself, effectively bringing my initial concern into the light. If Shirazu had noticed our mentors uncharacteristic actions as well, it must have not been all in my head after all. There really might be something wrong with our mentor. I gripped the edges of my white coat, twisting them nervously between my fingers.

 

"Who knows." I mumbled, struggling to catch up to my squad members when I became too lost in thought. It was clear to anyone who knew Sasaki even briefly, that he was acting unlike his normal self after he met the waitress working at :Re. Instead of joking around, or making one of his ridiculously corny jokes, he's was deep in thought and spaced out, with a far off look in his eyes. Of course, he still did these things, but it felt stiff. Like he was trying to keep up with appearances, or prevent us from worrying. But, it wasn't like this had just started today, Haise had been acting like his since the incident with serpent.

 

And if you really knew Sasaki like we did, it was obvious something was bothering him.

 

~

 

"... The connection between the nutcracker and the madam's world, there's also the existence of the yet to be destroyed gourmet club that's bothering me..." Rank two Hanbee continued his lecture, handing out papers with up to date information, and doing his best to address everyone present at the meeting. It was a very important discussion about nut's, and I desperately wanted to contribute all the information and plans my squad had gathered for the upcoming takedown of the troublesome ghoul, but I couldn't stop my mind from drifting. I could feel Mutsuki's stare, but even that failed to keep me in the loop.

I balanced my chin in my hand, and reflected on that days events.

 

~

 

"Please, take a seat here." The girl requested quietly, still not meeting my eyes after our initial meeting. While Mutsuki and Shirazu took their seats, I placed our order, and watched her disappear again behind the counter. Her posture now slightly slouched, and she ran her small hands over her exposed arms. Like she was cold.

 

     At my subordinates beckoning, I joined them at the table, and listened to their chatter. Not paying much attention. Still thinking about the girl, and the strange feeing that accompanied our first meeting.

 

"What a super cute girl." Mutsuki shyly observed, Shirazu agreeing with him.

 

     I knew now that I must have known her, if not closely, then in passing at the very least. Because there was no denying how she acted around me, or how I felt, but I simply was not completely sure. And it was not like I could ask her.

 

 "Huh, shirazu weren't you on Akira's side?"

 

"Because she's the CCG's holy mother." He smoothly responded.

 

      So I decided that I would try to look into it more, or at least, search the corners and uninhabited places in my mind for any clues I could dig up... If I was desperate enough, that is. I was still more hesitant than ever to speak to, or even address the voice in the back of my head. Plus, it was unlikely he will tell me anything about the girl and my past, or would even consider helping the person who stole his body.

 

"Hey, Sasa-" I heard Mutsuki begin, but he cut off just as suddenly when the gray haired man dropped down on the chair across from me in the time it took to blink. I instantly snapped out of my thought process. The man in front of me looked angry, wait, no, that wasent right... He looked focused, as if he was putting together a very complex puzzle, or staring at an abstract painting. Trying to figure it all out for himself, but still a while away.

 

"Ummm.?" I mumbled, already getting uncomfortable from his gaze, and tried to spit out any words to diffuse my anxiousness, or would draw attention away from myself.

 

"Ah, the order was three cups of coffee?" I stuttered nervously, smiling wider than nessesary. He just narrowed his eyes at me, but thankfully got up when the woman brought over our order, lecturing the man yet again.

 

"Sorry for the wait." She apologized, but we assured her it was alright, and the coffee looked well worth the short wait.

 

"It's a great smell," Mutsuki complemented, and we all took a sip, Shirazu pausing to blow the steam off of his before gulping half of it down.

 

"Woah, delicious..." Mutsuki noted, while the other young investigator was a little more animated.

 

"It's a bullseye!" He grinned, finishing the rest of his cup. "And Sassan's nose kagune isn't shit either! Right?" He looked to me for my input, which I was more than happy to contribute. It really was spectacular coffee.

 

"Yeah, it's tasty." I smiled too, but it soon fell from my lips when I felt tears filling my eyes, and falling onto my hands and the table.

 

"Huh?" I stammered, but before I could get another word out, the room dissolved around me, all sounds leaving except for a painful buzzing sound in my ear, and I knew that I was about to have another flashback. But instead of fighting it, I relaxed and waited for it to be over.

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"...Touka." I murmured, surprised to see her just feet away from me, on the bridge where I had been waking after leaving Anteiku. Yoshimura's story bouncing around in my head before she appeared and my thoughts came to a stop. We stood still, staring at each other for the first time in months, and I wished I could have been happier to see her. But these days, I dident have much to be cheerful about.

 

     She also appeared weighed down by unpleasant thoughts or events, her arms were crossed over her stomach, creasing her school uniform, and she slouched over. Her face masked by her dark hair, which had grown longer, I noticed. We continued to stand silent, until I couldn't take it any longer, and blurted the first thing that came to my mind. I just wanted to hear her voice.

 

"Touka, at Anteiku... I talked with the manager." Her head raised, but all I could see was her lower face. I continued on. "I have a feeling it was the first time he'd told his story."

 

All she said was a single "oh." A sad smile gracing her lips, and from below, cars honked in traffic and children laughed on their way home from school.

 

This was not going the way I had expected, but I guess I should have expected that.

 

"He wants me to come back to Anteiku." I told her, I felt she had a right to know. That certainly got her attention, and she faced me with a hopeful expression, which made everything worse.

 

"And...?" She hesitantly prompted. I was honest with her.

 

"I don't know. I don't know if by joining the manager I can get what I want - or what I don't." I hated dashing her hopes, but if I was to keep her and everyone safe, it was my best course of action to keep my distance. Bad things seemed to happen to those around me lately.

 

"So, what exactly do you want?" She finally asked, her arms had fallen to her sides, like the effort to keep them up had failed her.

 

     Again, more honesty, "I, I want to protect everyone." I clenched my fists. I would make sure no one else died. That no one I loved and held dear to me ever went through what I did. The thought of any of them in that chair where I sat brought me nothing but outrage and nausea... Especially little Hinami. I carried on, "I want to protect Hinami, Banjou and his friends, hide, and you touka." A pause. "I don't want to lose anyone important to me. That's why, I pulled out any interfering weeds."

 

     She flinched when I cracked my knuckles, the sound echoing loudly in my ears. A reminder of what I had been through. She looked sullen now, eyes downcast.

 

"... But who? Who are you going to protect? Who are you going to pull out?"

 

"Aogiri?" She proposed, but before I could answer, she kept listing groups, picking up speed. "The doves? Ghouls? Humans? All of them? You throw yourself into this endless bullshit, is that what you want?"

 

No, that wasent what I wanted, but I continued to keep quiet as she spoke. She was seemingly on the brink of anger, but not yet passed the point where we could speak civilly. I hoped.

 

 "Besides, no one is yours to do what you want with. There is no reason we have to be protected by you. You pretend to care about other people but in the end, it's all about you."

 

 _Wrong_. "You're just afraid of being alone, aren't you?" She taunted, throwing her words in my face. "What you want, is nothing more than self satisfaction." Now she glared at me, "it's soo stupid."

 

_Wrong. Soo very wrong. It's not true... It can't be true..._

 

"You think, you know me better than I know myself?"

 

"Yes I do, because you're mistaken."

 

"... Well, that's okay." Out of habit, I brought my hand to my chin. "As long as-" This seemed to enrage her further than anything I had said, and she stomped over towards me. An angry expression twisting her features.

 

"-Your never left alone."

 

Suddenly, her fist was inches away from my face, and if it were not for my quick reflexes, she would have succeeded.

 

    Touka let out a frustrated growl, "don't mock me!" She yelled, already swinging again, and I ducked. Just avoiding the attack yet again.

 

     This time, she backed up, preparing to charge. I knew I should have been studying my friend for weaknesses, planning my defence and offence strategies in order to win the fight. I should have felt that typical flight of fight reaction that came with a brawl against someone as powerful as her. But I just felt tired. I dident want to hurt my friend.

 

" let's stop this, Touka." I wearily pleaded, but she refused to listen to me.

 

"SHUT UP!!!" She screamed, running at me, and sending a kick just over my head.

 

"Don't-" Another kick, this one near my side before I backed up.

 

"-Decide all by yourself that I -"

 

One last punch, which I deflected with my forearms.

 

"-Wouldn't be fine Alone!" She backed off now, panting from the excursion, and I took the time too look around. Somehow no one had noticed our fight, and people went on with their normal lives. No doves in the area either. I looked over to touka. I figured that the fight was over, but as usual she surprised me, and picked up right where we had left off. Standing straighter than ever.

 

"Acting like some shitty tragic hero with that look! You're an eyesore!"

 

     I frowned at her. Where was this coming from? Was that what I really looked like?

 

"You can't even protect yourself, what makes you think you could protect others!?"

 

She took a breath. "Trash like you..." She began quietly.

 

"Trash like you should stay out of Anteiku!"

 

      And like that, any hopes I had left that I could return to my old life, were dashed. I stood frozen on now shaky knees. Throughout my life as a ghoul, I'd always had one place where I could be myself, and be accepted for what I was now. But now I was no longer welcome. Even if the manager, Nishiki, Irimi, Koma, and Roma would welcome me, there would still be someone who dident want to see me. And that was enough to keep me far away.

 

      In that moment that I froze up, was the moment Touka chose to strike. One well timed punch sent me flying backwards, her incredible strength propelling me quite a few feet before I roughly landed on my stomach. Naturally, it dident hurt much, but I did feel the bruises already forming on my chin and face, as well as several other areas that had been affected by the fall. I braced my arms to sit up, but I was swiftly flipped onto my back, and Touka pinned me down, sitting on my waist and resuming her attack.

 

"Why?.." A hit to the face accompanied the question.

 

"Why, why!!?" She cried out, repeatedly punching my face till my lips split, and I tasted blood, as well as felt it run down my face. Adding to the bruises and scrapes. She dident stop, not until she was finally and truley too tired to continue, and Instead of blood, I felt tears splatter on my aching skin. They were not my own.

 

"Why?" She asked again in a broken voice, close to sobbing.  

 

"Why did you have to change?"

 

After a minute of silence, she gracefully rose, and walked away. Leaving me all alone. Which was what I guess I was. Alone. She was right, I was being selfish, but I could not stand around and let my friends be taken from me. So I had to keep getting stronger. For them, and, maybe, myself.

 

       Minuets had already flew by, and only now I brought my hand to my face to inspect the damage.

 

"I... Wonder why.." I mumbled to myself.

 

Wondered why I really had changed.

 

Wondered why this had felt soo familiar.

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      When it was over, I felt my mind being slammed back into my body, more befuddled than ever, but at least I had gotten my answer. I had indeed known the woman who worked here, and judging by what I had seen, we had not been simple acquaintances.

 

      But we appeared to be having a serious fight, apparently over something I had done, or was about to do. Nevertheless, answers were answers. No matter how much they toyed with my head, or left me more confused then before, at least I was getting somewhere.

 

"Sassan, that's too much!" Shirazu laughed out loud, making fun of my reaction to the coffee, thinking I had been acting overdramatic for humorous purposes. My eyes were still filled to the brim with tears, and had long since trickled down my face, drying on my shaking hand holding the coffee cup. Still full.

 

"A new kind of joke..?" He mumbled to himself, as I lowered my head in embarrassment, laughing it off, but unable to rid myself of the overwhelming emotions still coursing through me. Out of my teary vision, I saw a small hand slide a handkerchief across the table, and I gladly accepted. I knew it was the girl. Feeling more embarrassed than ever, I felt the need to apologize for the disturbance I had created. I really wanted to plead for her forgiveness after seeing how I treated her that day, but I knew I couldn't, so I settled for this.

 

"Ah, I'm sorry. It's delicious... It really is." I choked out, dabbing my eyes before looking up at her for what seemed like the first time. She looked soo different now, yet just as similar. She still had short hair covering one of her eyes, but now it was a few inches shorter than what I had just seen, and dyed electric blue instead of black. Her face had changed to. Even if I only had the one memory, I have a feeling the girl didn't have much reason to smile, but now she looked happy. Which made me feel very glad.

 

She then gave me a smile, a smile that looked a little troubled, and a bit sad... And the thought that I had such a beautiful person in my life crossed my mind again.

 

"Thank you very much."

 

... Touka...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! To be honest, I'm not sure about how well I did on this chapter, I certainly wrote more than last time, but the flashback scene was harder to write for me. So if its not too much trouble, could I get some feedback? I'd really appreciate it, even if it's about my grammar (I'm sure there's a mistake somewhere, but I proof read it myself, so that's not a surprise.. lOl)
> 
> :) 
> 
> *Last thing I swear!*
> 
> I'm not sure when I can get the next chapter out since school is driving me insane with the workload, but I usually write everyday, so it shouldn't be too long. Bye!


	3. Hinami

 

 

 

"Heeeeeey!" The young ghoul teased, his black cloak and pale hair stained darker with blood from where my kagune had ripped through to his flesh, but the way he dismissed it suggested my attack had merely tickled. I cursed despite my dire situation. How could I hope to beat this ghoul when he appeared to feel no pain?

 

   He raved on. "I was compared to someone like you?" He sounded almost insulted, and I normally I would have been left to wonder who could have compared me to a man I had never met, but for now I pushed it from my mind. There would be time for answers later.

 

For now, I had to fight for my life, since backup likey would not be coming.

 

   "You're too weak... SASAKI!" He snarled at me, and with my kagune still buried inside him, he jumped up and kicked me to the ground, my body colliding hard with the rows of chairs where I land, blood flying from my mouth. I soon realized I had bitten my tongue harshly on impact.

 

   _He's... Too strong for me.._ I concluded dejectedly, coughing up more of the red liquid, letting it fill up my lungs and drip down my chin. Making breathing a strenuous task.

 

   The man walked over, taking his sweet time until he was sitting right above me, observing his handiwork with a gleeful expression. I would have spat on him if I could've.

 

  "Really..." He sighed, disappointed in me for not meeting his perceived expectations. "What are you hesitating for, Sasaki?" He taunted some more, his hood covering the gleam of pure madness in his mismatched eyes. I dident know what I was supposed to be doing. Fighting back? Try as I might, I couldn't sum up the strength, and it only angered him more with me.

 

  "No... Ken Kaneki." His teethe shone brightly, stained with the blood and skin of his victims, I noticed, as my stomach lurched and my mind scrambled beneath him.

 

  _NO!_

   ~

**"HAHAHAHAH!"** A loud, familiar laugh crashed through over the intercom, evil intent making it all the more hair raising to the unfortunate listeners. My ears recognized the voice easily.

 

   ... Takizawa..? I wondered, but how could it be him? He was supposed to stay with his group. Where was he? Was he somehow involved with the screams that accompanied him?

 **"This is amazing. Who set this strange thing up for me? Now everyone on the premises can hear me!"** And it was true. At the moment, everyone stood completely still, the fighting stopped, and a horrified expression latched onto the faces of doves and ghouls alike. Even they couldn't believe what was happening.

 

  I tilted my head. From where I was, I could hear the mumblings of investigators below, and they were just as confused and shaken as the rest of us.

 

   "This voice... Who's voice is it?" One blurted, seemingly to himself since no one was paying attention to anything else but the sounds coming from the microphones around us.

 

  Except for me. I took advantage of the standstill, and strained my ears as hard as I could, sweat beading on my forehead in extreme concentration. It hurt, but what else could I do? Stay here and wait for someone to make my job easier and stop him? So I searched the area for anybody who knew what was going on. My range covered the entirety of the battle zone, but to my growing frustration, nothing so far.

**"I just thought of something great."** Takizawa suddenly marveled, and I wished for him to be quiet so I could hear properly. I now cupped my hands around my ears. With his ongoing chatter, he was making it increasingly difficult to make any clear words out of the conversations going on down below.

**"I've made holes in various places, so lets get your friends to hear your vibrations."**

 

  _Shut up!_ I internally pleaded, and finally resorted to covering my ears to drown out the unwanted noises. If I couldn't hear anything over him, then I wouldn't hear at all, counterproductively helping him distract me, but I couldn't stand it! So I pleaded nonstop to myself. Please stop this torture... Please stop the whimpers that had been slowly increasing in volume... But when has praying ever worked for someone like me. No amount of hoping could save my mother or father, or even save kaneki from a lonely death.

 

  And like he could read my very thoughts, Seidou did not stop.

 

  I felt if this went on much longer, I would have gone insane, but in a split second of silence before the pained moans resumed, I heard a very small sound, like the mumblings of a person I had not yet discovered. Curious, I now lowered my sore arms, and pushed my hearing further than I had in a long time, so hard my head had begun to ache, and some of the veins in my eyes had burst, but I could just make out voices in a building not too far from the one I was on. I guessed about a dozen or so occupied the middle floors. Some roaming around, a few not moving at all.

 

  "Sassan..??" One spoke, the name ending in a question. His voice distinctly male, and not much older than I. Also, It was easy to assume they were doves.

 

   "Rank three... Go, I'll manage somehow. I'm fine." An elder dove wheezed. He would clearly not be fine, but for now he was not my concern. The younger male panted softly, most likely barely able to move at all. Not surprising, considering the opponent they'd faced. I'd heard the CCG had targeted a ghoul named 'nut's' in the raid, and I felt a twinge of sympathy for the young dove. I'd heard of her, and most of it was not good. She was a very dangerous ghoul. He must have had to fight hard for his life.

 

   I heard him sway where he sat. "Sassan.." He sobbed again, voice fading. ".. Where are you?" A quiet noise indicated he had fallen over, possibly fainting on the spot from fatigue. Everyone else went silent.

 

   Sassan? Why did that name sound so familiar to me? I could swear I've heard it from somewhere...

 

  Soon, it clicked.

 

 _"Hinami, do me a favor. Stay away from Haise Sasaki..."_ Touka's words rang in my head, kick-starting my memory.

 

   Oh yeah, Mr. Sasaki was my older brother.

 

   I winced when a another voice blasted through my unprepared eardrums. "WhO IS RANK ONE SASAKI FIGHTING AGAINST!?" This time it was a woman.

 

       I was already beyond startled, when the faint cries of the young man over the intercom became more erratic, and morphed back into the violent agonized screams I had previously heard.

  

       My big brothers screams, I recognized now, and to mock me and everyone else further, Takizawa just carried on laughing to his hearts content. After all, what wasn't funny to him these days?

 

   My mind now a nervous wreck and filled with worry over one of the only people left I loved, I headed for the screams. Hoping I wouldn't be too late to save him, and readying myself for whatever I was about to see.

 

   I turned and jumped off the building, my cloak fluttering in the wind as I fell.

   ~

 

    "Number one, Kaneki. Even if you shout that much, no one will come to help you. " The one eyed ghoul said, his scratchy tone digging into my ear drums, but as long as he kept talking, I could pinpoint exactly where he was.

 

  It became so dark, after all, when he took my eyes from me.

 

   I groaned and cried from the pain. My whole body had been abused and broken to the limit, my only comfort was I new that I would heal soon. Then it would be time for round two.

   "You're cute," he complimented as I gasped for breath, and a creak alerted me that he had leaned forward on the chairs edge where he sat. "Because after all, that's the place you're at. The are just using you as they see fit, and will end up throwing you away like trash!" He spat at me, ignoring how I shuddered and moaned. His fingers finding their way into my empty eye sockets, destroying any progress that my healing abilities might have made in the last few minuets. Worsening the pain.

 

  But while I lay there, I had a feeling this rage was not directed solely at me. When I was just starting at CCG, I had heard about an investigator who had gone missing during a raid about a few months back. He was presumed dead publicly, and was never spoken about, either out of guilt, or to cover up what had really happened to him. And as far as I knew, there wasn't even a search effort to find him or his body.

 

   If I were being honest, had I been in his situation, where I was left alone and no one came for me, I would probably feel the same as him. Strange, I felt myself empathizing with a ghoul who is trying to kill me. _Maybe Akira and Arima are right, maybe I am biased._

 

   By now I was just hanging on to consciousness, but the thought that a respected investigator had become this... Was horrifying to me. A possible chilling future I still fight to prevent.

 

   "You are empty." He prattled on, "a sausage you forgot to fill with meat. A person without a reason to exist."

 

   It was then the faces of the Quinx flashed in my mind, along with the few people from my past I had met so far, and I knew Takizawa really knew nothing about me. They were my reason to exist. I was not an empty shell. I may not be who I once was, but that does not make me any less real.

 

   "At least give me a reason, are you trash? Or treasure?" He asked me, but I was too weak to mumble more than a few words.

 

   "... Don't want." I tried again. "I don't disapp..."

 

   "Ah, and?" He mused, and I sensed that he was dissatisfied with my reply. "So that's as far as you go, I'll eat you for dessert then."

 

   I tensed for one last effort to escape, but before that could happen, a large kagune wound itself around my body, and yanked me away from the one eyed ghoul. I was suspended in the air for only a second until gentle arms held me close to my savior. Their embrace was warm and comforting. A shocking difference to the coldness I had felt at the mercy of the ghoul.

 

   The ghoul laughed, but I knew it was all a show. He was angry with them. "Why are you getting in my way, Hina?" He accused.

 

   The girl stiffened, but that's all I was able to register before I retreated into my mind. The world disappeared around me, and my hearing dissolved into faint static noise.

 

  _No, not now!_ I struggled against the flashback, but if the last few I instances were any indication, it was pointless.

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   I woke up already on my two feet, walking forward, an eye patch covering my human eye, the taste of blood on my tongue. I was horrified when I find myself enjoying the flavour and how it wakes me up. How it clears the fog from my mind.

 

   _Where am I?_ I wonder. I look up, but all I see is claustrophobic darkness, it's the same when I glance behind me. The water sloshes beneath me, filling my shoes with it as I try and walk the other way, but I soon come to the conclusion I am underground in the sewers. From above me, I hear the sounds of a battle, and I don't dare join the fray. After all, my job was done, I had heard Koma and Irimi direct most of the ghouls still fighting to head for V14, so I had provided a distraction for them to safely get away while I searched for any members of Anteiku before making my way there. But I was unsuccessful, and had gotten injured before I could find Yoshimura.

 

   I would have died, if it weren't for Hide.

 

   _Come to think of it, where was Hide?_ He wasn't here when I woke up... I hoped he had gotten away, but I don't think it would be good to dwell on it.

 

   I kept on walking, the silence getting heavier the further I ventured from the war on top, and before I knew it, I could see a light, as well as smell an overwhelming amount of blood nearby. An uneasy feeling churning my stomach before I even saw the bodies.

 

   What seemed like hundreds, and hundreds of ghouls littered the floor, all torn apart like a monster worse than themselves had dealt the final blow. Blood was everywhere, but for once, the smell didn't elicit hunger from me. I felt like throwing up instead. My wariness only grew when I spotted a white figure off into the distance, his face without a single scratch or bruise, and not a drop of blood ruined his pale dove coat.

 

   He killed them. All of them. I felt the uselessness wash over me, and I was so disappointed in myself and the world that I wanted to scream. Was it always going to be like this for us? For me? Were we always destined to be slaughtered? Could I not protect a single soul?!

 

   Then, the investigator glanced at me, and the extent of my predicament hit me full force. It was him, the CCG's reaper. The undefeated ghoul investigator.

 

   There stood the god of death.

 

   "Arima.... Kishou..." I whispered, terrified, but strangely captivated. _Why was it, that I was seeing beauty in death, rather than life?_ I wondered, because in that moment, I thought he was beautiful. I must be disoriented, because how could I think such strange things? I had to concentrate on getting out of here, on rescuing the manager. I knew it was very unlikely I would make it out alive though.

 

   All around us lay bodies, their blood mixing together on the floor, and all I could think was I'm next. It's my turn.

 

   We stood still. Sizing each other up.

 

  _Should I wait and see what he does first?_ I thought, but dismissed it, _no, I can't! I'll fall a step behind. I need to take the initiative. I'll strike first... Take him by surprise.._ I planned, and took my fighting stance, Hide's voice encouraging me in my head.

 

   _Kaneki, can you fight with all you've got?_

 

   _Hide?_

 

   Distracted as I was, I knew I I didn't have time to stand around, I had to try and beat him. So with a lunge, I charged at the reaper. He just watched as I rapidly advanced towards him. _Was... Was he even going to fight me? It can't be this easy,_ I knew, but I tried anyways, and in the last second,

 

   He sidestepped me.

 

   I skidded to a halt, which gave him the perfect opening, and I had no time to dodge as he rammed both of his quinque's through my back. I coughed up blood.

 

   _What the hell..? He was wide open... Where did he..?_ I panicked, my pain filled body making it difficult to think, much less move when he pulled them from my back. I made a break for it, preparing for my next strike.

 

   _I'm fine_ I reassured myself, _calm down. I can still fi-_

 

   I suddenly lost sight in one eye.

 

  _-ght._

 

   My mind went blank, and everything went quiet. Except for someone was screaming.

 

**"Ahhhhhhhaahhhhhaahaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"**

 

   Oh yeah, I guess that was me.

 

   It hurt

 

   Hurt!

 

   HURT!!!!!

 

   "It's going through my head it's going through my head it's going through my headitsgoingthroughmyheaditsgoingthroughmy headitsgoingthroughmyhead!!" I continuously shouted, and I could no longer keep track of what was coming out of my mouth. I dropped to my knees, gripping the side of my head.

 

   I felt

 

   Pain

 

   Agony

 

   I felt like I would die.

 

      I felt the blood drip down my cheek. "A screws loosening." I burst out. Vaguely, I sensed someone was nearby, watching me, but I dident know who they were anymore. I just hurt.

 

   "Mhmhmhmhmhy brain the pain brain rights like left. My brain ain ain ain." I cried some more, "it heet my braein aaaaah whaea whatis, wat is goin oon? Am I hying?"

 

      Panting, I unleashed my kagune, and tugged the quinque out of my head. Inch by inch. At times, I could even feel the sensation of the weapon sliding against my battered brain. "Mackerel.... Swordfish.." I mumbled. "Split, rip, ropopo, it's like a kitchen."

 

      Soon those same kagune flew towards the person, and I ripped off the eye patch just in time to see the man dodge. Frustrated, I kept trying, but he. Just. Wouldn't. Sit. Still!

 

      Exhausted, I staggered over to him, and I must have been going crazy because instead of bodies, all I saw were white flowers around us.

 

      "Give that back, it's mine. Call me more... Call me.. Why is there no one around..? Om... Ad, can I... Play on the swing?"

 

I finally couldn't stand anymore, and I slumped over. "Any more than this... It's impossible.." I complained, "the pain is so fervent I feel like I'm going to melt!" And I meant it, my head could explode any second... So much pain... So many.. Voices! Childhood memories, swings, family and friends clashed inside me, trying to get out.

 

_Friends...?_

 

_Hide._

 

  _Ka.. NE..ki.. You're wrong, this not it.. Calm down._ He advised.

 

   "I'll calm down." I agreed, giggling a bit. It was so nice to hear his voice, I'm glad he's safe. I wish I could see him though.

 

   _Anything's fine... Anything is fine, just do it..._

 

   Oh yeah, I made a promise. I have to fight Arima. But, how? I'm.. Soo... Tired....

 

   "He is... Ainu. Hi- his eyebrows sparkling.. His white beard , hags down his chest... The matched mats, spread outside of his chise, spread softly, his splendid attos... He polishes, cross-legged, his makiri, with his eyes completely absorbed... He is... Ainu." I quoted, my numb lips moving faster than I was able to remember the words. I knew this piece was important to me, but I no longer remembered what it is called.

 

   "... The god of Ainu mosir, Ae-oine kamuy, descendant of okikurumi. He perishes," a deep, shuddering inhale. "A living corpse. The summers day, the white sunlight, unabushi, ends simply through his breath alone."

 

   The man looks at me, confused.

 

   "... It's soo pretty... Autumn.."

 

  A pause, then, "oh, I see. You're.."

_... I'm?_

 

      He dident speak for a minuet, but suddenly he is talking yet again. "It's raining. I don't know what the weather outside is when I'm below the surface. My sense of time is also dulled." He revealed.

 

  I tilted my head, I was just able to hear the drops of rain hitting the earth above us. He was telling me the truth.

 

  "But, I know if it's raining outside from the sound of the water... It'll be over soon."

 

  I had a sinking feeling he dident just mean the rain.

 

  "We're in V14. No 'ghoul' can pass through here. You-"

 

  I heard a click, and my one eye widened.

 

  "-can't go any further than V14."

 

       A bolt of electricity shot towards me, and I twisted the other way to avoid it. "I havta run!" I choked out, sprinting in all directions, flipping and jumping because my life depended on it. The man mumbled something, and his attacks became more coordinated. Soon I was being hit more often than not. The pain increased.

 

   _He's like a monster.._ I concluded. _But if my opponents a human... If I can get one attack through..._

 

   _.. One attack.._

 

  I lost more blood.

 

    _One attack_

 

  I heard his quinque activate.

 

   _One attack!_

 

       I tried to run, to struggle, but the long black limbs of his quinque latched onto me, refusing to let go.

 

  "You're good..."

 

  My heart stopped in my chest.

 

  "Kaneki Ken." He complimented, before the weapon tore through my stomach, launching me high into the air before throwing me back down to the ground.

 

_'.................'_

 

  "I didn't expect you to damage IXA's defensive barrier... That's right."

 

  A voice floats around the room. footsteps approach.

 

  A sharp, pointy object hovers above me.

 

  Numerous faces appear in my mind.

 

  Right over my remaining eye.

 

  "I'll need a new quinque."

 

  ....quiet..... At last....

    
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When I came to, my eyes had begun to heal, and the fight started up again where I had left off, with the two ghouls staring each other down.

 

   "Why are you, Hina, my friend, getting in my way?"

 

      "He should still be valuable to us." The girl... Hinami reasoned with him, standing directly between Seidou and me. Protecting me. "More importantly, you should return to the entrance and back rabbit and the others up."

 

      I knew what she was doing. Hinami was trying to diffuse a situation that would not end well for ay of us, but I was willing to bet that Takizawa would not take the bait. He would fight, and friend or not, I had a feeling he would kill her if she interfered any further.

 

  And I couldn't let that happen.

 

  The tingling in my eyes got more painful as my vision returned, and I was able to uselessly watch in horror as the ghoul leapt into the air, his kagune going wild trying to land a hit on her or me. But Hinami expertly deflected each and every one of the attempts.

 

  "You should also return to your position!" He yelled, another hit coming her way. This time she wasn't so lucky, and a wayward slash cut across her face, chipping her mask. A thin trail of blood running down her face.

 

  My head drooped from fatigue, but just in time to see her kagune circle around herself for protection, only a select few shooting out to try and injure the man. But he was just as good as her at dodging. Maybe even better.

 

  The fight continued on, until Hinami saw an opening, and was able to impale several parts of his body. Blood flew everywhere, and he fell to the floor, his hand landing not too far from his body.

 

  I thought he would have given in to his injuries, but he only became more enraged.

 

   "It hURTS! IT HURTS! You sure are strong Hinaaa!" He pulled himself to his feet, and I was shocked to see strange black tendrils shoot from his wounded arm, to the hand laying on the floor. Soon enough it reattached itself, and the battle resumed without pause.

 

  Even Hinami, as strong as she was, could not defeat the ghoul. I knew I had to help her, but I was still so out of it that it was a war with my own body to stand. I slumped over uselessly, the pounding in my head picking up.

 

  ** _Choose..._**

**_Choose...._ **

_.... Kaneki?_

 

  The voice in my head continued to scream, and I could stand it no longer. I was not nearly strong enough in my current state to do anything. To help anyone ... But I knew who was. My whole body shook from the fear and pain, and I focused on what needed to be done. Reading my thoughts, the voice calmed down some, but the pleading kept up.

 

  **... Please, you have to let me save her... I can't lose her...**

 

   I had never seen this side of him, a side that wanted to help others rather than haunt my every waking and dreaming hour. When it came to Kaneki, all I ever pictured was an evil ghoul, someone to be feared and hated. To be locked up and forgotten. But he clearly loved Hinami, and that was enough for me to trust him.

 

   I smiled wearily to myself.

 

   _Idiot._ I thought, finally speaking to the voice in my head after all this time, after all these years,  _of course I won't let her die. But just this once, OK?_

 

**...**

 

   He didn't reply, but I wasn't expecting one either. I let out a shaky breath, and felt everything that I was slip away. He was in complete control now.

 

   I, Haise Sasaki, a twenty two year old investigator, had disappeared from my own mind.

   ~

 

   It felt... Strange to say the least, being back in my own body, like waking up from a long and fitful dream, and even though it was littered with bruises, cuts and torn clothing soaked with blood, I knew not a lot had changed these past few years.

 

   It felt good to feel pain again. To feel anything besides numbness. I could have spent hours reflecting on the joy to be back, but If I didn't act soon, Hinami, my... My little sister would be killed. I gathered my remaining strength, and was finally able to stand. Just in time too. From where I stood, I could see Hinami kneeling on the ground, her energy completely spent from the fight, while Takizawa screamed and cried out nonsensical gibberish.

 

   "Hagu gaga... Go back, go back." He stumbled on once steady feet, gripping his head in his bloody hands. " Ga ga ga ga. I said enough ugh..."

 

   I knew from experience that he was loosing it. Flashes of past battles flitted through my mind, but I pushed them away. It would not be good if Haise were to see us like that, just in case there would come a time he would need me again. Still, the more unstable he became, the more risk he would be to Hinami. I limped faster down the ruble, eager to get to her side and protect her.

 

   "I dIDN'T EAT! I DIDN'T EAT!" The mad ravings continued, and he slowly stalked closer to Hinami, who was shaking like a leaf, but even so, was ready for a fight. Her hand curled up into a determined fist, and she was about to face her enemy once more. Fully aware it could be her last fight. I couldn't help but be proud of how brave she had been, but there was no need for her to fight anymore. It was time I protected her.

 

   "It's fine." I told her, "please go." **Get out of here Hinami, find help and leave before you get caught, take Ayato too... Touka would be sad if she lost her younger brother...**

 

   She looked up at me, shocked by my orders and that I could stay upright prior to taking such a beating. Her eyes widened in recognition, and I feared she was able to discern me from Sasaki, but instead of asking me outright, she suddenly appeared unsure, like it was too good to true.

 

   "Big brother...?" She hesitantly began, her eyes sad and doubtful, and my heart hurt for lying to her, but if she knew that I was finally here with her, then she would never be able to leave me behind. Better to let her think I was still Haise. That I still didn't know who she was.

 

   "I am no longer... The person you once knew. Even though I might have Ken Kaneki's body," I walked on past her, creating a wall between her and the crazed ghoul like she had done for me. Her eyes never leaving me.

 

    "I am Haise Sasaki." It took effort to move my barely healed body over the floor, but it was even harder to keep up the lie. "Ah, but... I'm sure that Kaneki was a great person, if he was remembered like this."

 

     She called out to me again, but only a second later, another voice fought for my attention. My eyes instinctively followed the outburst, and I traced it to the ledge where I had crashed into not minuets earlier. The girl had dark blue hair in a pigtail fashion, and a dirtied white dove uniform. But those weren't her most noticeable features. A river of tears flowed from each eye, and she looked distraught as her choked up voice cried for me again.

 

     "Do- don't go!" She begged, and I could tell she was very important to Haise. I almost felt bad I couldn't recall her name. I spared her a blank look before I cracked my fingers in that familiar nostalgic way.

 

    _Ah_ I thought, _t_ _oday was just full of memories_

 

      Memories I found myself not wanting to hold onto. They only brought pain and agony anyways, so in a way I was thankful for Haise. He was the beautiful lie I wished I could be, and if he could be happy for a short while, then maybe I could fool myself into thinking it was my happiness.

 

    **Do you hear that, Haise, you can keep this body for a little longer. Just protect those I couldn't while I'm gone.**

 

   I felt him stir within me, and a warm feeling washed over me, complete with a faint  thank you' whispered across my mind.

 

      "After all," I mumble to myself, "it's ok if I disappear for a bit, so... Please, for a small while, give me the power to protect."

 

   I felt my eye change, and the fight began once more.

   ~

 

   When I came to, I had the sticky feeling of blood all over my body, and Takizawa was gone. I breathed a sigh of relief, but instantly tensed when I saw Hinami. She hadden't moved throughout the whole ordeal, and was now surrounded by doves. Each with a tight grip on their quinque's. I didn't know if the situation could have gotten any worse, but when I saw her wide terrified eyes on the figure advancing toward her, my heart stopped in my chest.

 

   Arima.

 

   A sickening feeling  enveloped me, and yet again I had no idea what to do. If it was just the doves I had to worry about, I could have taken them, but I knew from last time me and arima had fought, I was no match. I was still no match. Regardless, I couldn't let her die!

 

   Fury replaced my energy, and I found my footing. If I could not save her by force, I would resort to begging, a trade, anything to save her. I would give my own life to save my little sister's.

 

    _... What are you doing?_ Haise whispered, becoming clearer in my mind's eye by the second. Sounding worried.

 

    _What I have to do._ I told him, but all I accomplished was agitating him further.

 

   By now, everyone in the room had heard me moving around, and I strained my voice to speak loud enough to reach them. All that screaming had damaged my throat.

 

   "... Pl.. Pl.. Eas... E.. That girl,"

 

    _No, you can't do this, there has to be another way! If you reveal you, -we have regained your memories, we'll be killed!_ He pleaded, but I couldn't negotiate with him over Hinami's life. She was worth more than my own.

 

    **But you haven't.** I tried to reason.

 

   _It doesn't matter, all they have to do is suspect. Please, just let me handle it!_

 

   I wouldn't let him though, and went on with my own plan.

 

    _I'm sorry Haise._

 

   I addressed arima again. "That girl is... My..."

 

    _No!_ Haise yelled, and the force shook me just long enough for him to regain control once more.

 

_I'm sorry, too._

 

   "My.." I choked out once more, and my body was no longer mine.

   ~

 

   "Haise!" I heard Akira's shout, but I kept walking. There was something I needed to do. A promise I had to keep. I soon arrived at Hinami's side, just feet from Arima. Every part of me recoiled inside, but I kept still and stood firm. Meeting my Saiko's and my superiors' eyes. Each of their faces holding different expressions.

 

   Grief and stone.

 

   "... Haise?" Arima asked, and I couldn't tell if he wanted to know if I was still me, or why I was not killing the ghoul beside me. I didn't know how to read him anymore. Maybe I never did.

 

   "Arima. I cornered this girl, can I have the rights over her?" I heard Hinami quietly gasp in confusion, but I paid it no mind for now. All that mattered was Arima's answer.

 

   I couldn't imagine how this looked to him. I was clearly exhausted, drenched head to toe in blood, wounded, and requesting permission to keep a ghoul alive. It was very unlike me to say the least.

 

   So I held my breath, and watched his careful blank face for any signs of suspicion, but after a minute, he just sighed and turned his back on me.

 

   "Tell the medic squad... That rank 1 Sasaki is injured." He said, walking away from us. Leaving the ghoul in my care. I dropped my head in relief, thankful I was able to save Hinami for him. Thankful for my extended time in this body.

 

   Thankful for a lot of things.

 

   I was about to follow Arima out, when I saw a small child standing a far distance from me. I was about to inquire about him, after all, what was a child doing in a place like this? When a cold shiver raced down my spine. Though he was clearly younger, I could not mistake the likeness to myself, not the white hair or the flaming sclera. It was Kaneki. And he was not pleased with me for shoving him back into his cage.

 

   My eyes widened, and we stared each other down. Him with a cunning smile on his face almost too small to make out, a hand over his lips, telling me to stay quiet. I decided I did not like his smile, and in the end I could not fully trust him, but what else could I do? I had no choice in the matter.

 

   "I've... Lied.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .......... Sorry..... At least its long.....

      When the envelope is presented to my shaking hands, I almost reach out to gently shove it away. I am much too tired to glance at the contents, or even move into a proper sitting position. I am so weak I could not even recall the last time I had eaten. Willingly, that is. But kanae refuses to move from my bedside; even going as far as to ignore my orders, which is so very unlike him. So with little resolve left, I give up my stubbornness and sit up. Heavily leaning on the pillows as I tear into the envelop marked with a single 1. 

      How odd, I thought, but carry on regardless. I had expected a letter of some sort, but instead all I feel is a smooth surface, not unlike that of the Polaroids Chie takes. I pull it out gingerly, and turn it around, when all I am presented with is a white background. Is this some sort of joke? I finally get to see the image, and my breath rushes out of my lungs. I sink further into the bed, swallowed up by the many soft pillows and duvets. It was him. I don't know how it is him. How he managed to survive, or how the little mouse came to know of his existence. I hadn't the slightest idea, but I was glad for it. I dident even care about the obvious stark white dove coat he wore, or how different he looked. It was Kaneki in that photograph. Tears now ran run freely down my cheeks, and though a million thoughts race through my mind, for the first time in years I felt hope.      

      "Kanae," my voice is raspy from misuse, but he straightens up all the same. A tense look on his face.  "Tell me the details."

~ 

_I am talking to the Quinx when I meet Tsukiyama Shuu. We have just exited headquarters, and are on our way to where my mask had come from that Christmas day, when the very same man topples over in front of us._

      I instantly drop to the ground, harsh gravel cutting into my knees as I kneel beside him. The members of my squad following suit only a moment later to help the man sprawled out before us. I hear Saiko remark on his suit, and I have to say that I agree with her. The rose patterns decorating the jacket are very colorful, and gave off an inescapable eccentric vibe. To be honest, I didn't know if he just has bad taste in fashion, or if he is very wealthy. Nevertheless, he might be hurt, and I was determined to help him. It is my duty as an investigator. 

       The man supports himself on his forearms, and despite his unkempt hair partially covering his face, I could make out his eyes staring fixedly on mine. I am startled by the staggering amount of recognition behind them. What is so familiar about him? I an just about to reach out to the man, when I see Kaneki standing not even a meter away from us; studying the man intensely. I try to ignore him to the best of my abilities, and return my focus to the man on the ground.

      "Umm, is everything alright?" I ask him, letting a look of concern replace the shock I (hopefully) only briefly displayed. If possible, the man's eyes widen even further.

      Not content with letting him stay on the ground, I extend my arm to him once more. "Can you stand up? I'll give you a shoulder." I offer, lifting the man to his unsteady feet. He is a lot taller than I had thought, but alarmingly thin. Is he sick? He looked as if he hadn't slept in years, and could barely support his own weight. 

      Unexpectedly, a younger man dressed in a heavy coat and sunglasses rushes onto the scene, taking hold of the taller man and leading him away. 

"Excuse us!" He apologizes, not even looking back. From where I stand, I can hear the man lecturing the other heatedly.

      "Master Shuu... Just what are you..?" But his master seemed to remain in his previous daze. He mumbles "that's odd... Even though it's me.."  The smaller man appears saddened with Shuu's answer, and lightly settles him into a wheelchair before rushing away.

      "What's up with him? He's all skin and bone." Shirazu wonders out loud from behind as we watch them disappear from sight. 

      "I hope he's okay..." I say, now scanning the crowded area for Kaneki, but all I see are other investigators and civilians; still staring at us after the confrontation with the man. He is absent as well.

~

      "Shouldn't we... Ask for permission for this strategy?'' Shirazu ponders from where he sits in the mask makers shop. This makes me pause.

 _Hmm, I probably should have done that earlier_ , I think wearily, already predicting the outcome of such a request. The CCG has such a firm stance when it comes to ghouls, therefore it would likely be out of the question to allow this mission to even happen.

 _But it **wasn't** out of the question to experiment on children?_ A bitter voice seethes in the back of my mind, and for once, I don't know which one of us is speaking.

~

      "No." Is special class Koori Ui's immediate response. We stood in one of the many meeting rooms when I proposition my idea for the new investigation. As expected, it was being shot down for the usual reasons. I knew I shouldn't have left it till the last minuet, or gotten my hopes up, but I am still frustrated with the blatant dismissal.  Not even a moment of consideration was taken before delivering the verdict. Also no recommendation of a hearing to discuss the plan. 

      Clearly, an investigator having an open mind was too much to ask for.

      "For a ghoul investigator to pretend to be a ghoul of all things," He crosses his arms, facing away from me now. "I'm not so sure if your dignity as an investigator anymore."

 _ **We** wouldn't be pretending..._ Kaneki points out. 

      "But", I try to interrupt, even though my superior has already made up his mind.

      "Sasaki." They cut in. "If you lose sight of good sense, where will the justice be? Don't kid yourself into thinking that it's good to do the unexpected." He sighed. "As the leader of S1, I can't give you permission." 

      Disappointment washes over me, and it was all I could do to keep myself under control and mumble my departure before shuffling out of the room. 

~

      "Sassan. Did you see the video?" Shirazu mutters, catching me by surprise. It's not that I didn't hear him emerge from his room, I merely failed to register it, not after...

      "I did."  A pause. "That method, it's just too cruel, no mater how you look at it." I stare down blankly at the hands in my lap. "It's completely wrong..."

.

.

.

_"Hey Rose. For convenience, that's what we'll be calling you lot." Kijima's scratchy voice buzzes over the shaky camera work; adding to the static picked up by the recording. That, and the raspy breathing of the ghoul kneeling beside him. He faces downward, black inky hair masking most of his face and eyes. Blood stains the shirt he is wearing, as well as the checked floor beneath him. "_

_I was thinking of letting you in on how we're going to deal with one of your guys we caught the other day." Kijima prattles on, positively giddy with whatever he has done, or is planning to do to the ghoul.  The investigator lowers the camera to show his hand now on the younger mans trembling shoulder-_

_"We interrogated him over and over again, but it seems like he'll never talk."_

_-the camera pans up-_

_"And so, I thought..."_

_\- Zooming in on a table, a bloody tongue is displayed; surrounded by various surgical instruments.  "_

_He didn't need his tongue." He states, like it was the most normal conclusion anyone could have stumbled across. " Well, from my point of view, he has too many things he doesn't need."_

_Now he is directly in front of the lens, smiling wickedly at his work, and his deformed face stretches with the effort of expressing the pure pleasure he got from torture. "_

_I am the only one who knows where this place is. You could maybe save him if you kill me." He taunts. "I am Shiki Kijima. You won't forget my face once you've seen it. You can kill me anytime, day night, whatever."_

_"I'll be waiting for you, Rose."_

      The screen goes black. My fingers shake above the computer mouse; the screen displaying the CCG website blurring behind my eyes. I soon have to rest my head in my hands to stop the terror that consumes me even long after the screen goes black.  From behind me, reflected in the now mirror like desktop, I could see Kaneki huddled in the corner of our room. Cowering. His hands over his ears. His eyes bleeding, and hollowed out. 

~

      "There has to be another way." I wish, but I know it doesn't work like that.  Humans. Ghouls. When it came down to it, really, what was the difference? Both have done, and will do terrible things for the good of their species. Nothing will ever change. 

      I resist pinching the bridge of my nose when the headache comes. It doesn't last long, but the flashes are disorienting.

_'Dammiiiit! I want to kill him. I wanna kill him I wanna kill him I wanna kill HIM!' Yamori shouts at me-_

_I got the feeling that I truly, truly , truly, was a monster-_

_\- Screaming- '_

_The Chinese red-headed centipede... Have you heard of it?'- 'Please... Stop... ' -_

_'I'm gonna try putting this guy in your ear, all right? - Rustle. Rustle. I caN FEEL IT MOVING IN MY HEAD! -_

      As soon as it begins it ceases, and I end up more frustrated and terrified than ever. I hear Shirazu add something else behind me, but when I ask him what he had said he just leaves. More words from under his breath. I don't blame him. Everything about the past few days has been stressful and exhausting. I needed to clear my head.

      With new determination, I stride into my room, plan and destination clear in my mind.

~

      "Hey." A voice calls out, startling me away from the pages of my book. I look around in a haste searching the origin of the voice, only to have my eyes land on... The man from the other day?

      Shuu?

      I observe him as he walks over to me. His movements would have been graceful, if not for the strange stiffness in his body and the hesitation in his steps. What would he have to be wary about? 

      Kaneki is quick as always to offer his opinion, but I burry him deeper in my mind.

      "Ah, thank you for helping me the other time." He offers me a charming smile, but I pick up on the unease a second time. There's something different about this man, but I ignore it for now. I hurry to find something else to mull over, and feel disappointed when I only just now realized he was standing on his own now.

      " You're not in a wheelchair today, and you look less pale." I compliment, and he takes my small talk as an invitation to continue the conversation. "May I sit next to you?" He politely asks, and I feel my own hesitation growing as I offer the space beside me. I have no reason to be on guard around him, but a familiar sinking feeling leads me to believe he is the complete opposite of a stranger. 

       We sit idle for a moment, as I awkwardly fiddle with the pages of my book, thinking fast of words to fill the silence. Luckily, Shuu appears to have mastered the art of discussion, because before I know it we were chatting about our favourite books and author's. To be honest, I was enjoying myself, and am able to talk more freely than I had in forever. The conversation flowed that naturally.

      "I have this uncanny ability to guess what kinds of books people are into." He boasts, now casually leaning against the tree behind the bench where we sat, his hand resting close my own. Accepting his bait, I took him up on his bluff.

      "... Oh really?" I tempt him, eager to hear his best guess. For someone who likes to read as much as I do, I'm not as open of a book as everyone would think. How could this man who I'd only been talking to for a half an hour possibly read me? However, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

       "You like books by Takatsuki, right?" He states, a knowing smirk that I was probably not supposed to see following his claim. It didn't matter, I was to busy concealing the shock of hearing the familiar authors name. I had told no one about my strange, almost instinctual fondness for those books. It's likely the Quinx or Arima had seen the titles in my book shelf, but there was no way Shuu could have known. Looking back down at the novel I had been skimming, I confirm it was not one of Takatsuki's works.  This leads me to the only possible conclusion. I had been correct. 

      I knew it! I knew it all along. Somewhere in my past life, me and Shuu had to have known each other. I was confident in this. Sure, it really could have been a lucky guess, but I doubted it. Besides that, I also relied heavily on Kaneki's reaction the other day. There's no way he would have been able to hide his relief over seeing a member of his previous life still alive. Or his fear of me discovering them.

      "Yeah..." I trailed off, letting him revel in his victory while I decide whether or not to divulge the whole truth of how I felt towards the books. What if I gave something away that I was on to him? 

      Once I realize he's someone from his- our past, its easy to figure why he is here. He would either be trying to get close to me again, or attempt to help me remember. Neither would exactly help me in the position I was in, but for now I had no immediate reason to turn him away. So, in the end, "I read some, but I'm kind of bad with them..."  I decided to trust him.

      My answer is probably not what he was expecting though. "Hey?" He queried, confused.

      "Apart from her short stories, all the important, or main characters die in her works." I smile in faint remembrance of a time long ago, when I used to be comforted by the morbid tales. But now that I am older, I realize...

      "It's a little heartbreaking." I summarize, giving him a chance to cut in, or disagree with me. But, interestingly, Shuu eagerly waits for me to carry on. He is surprised with my take on the novel's, but Still wanted to hear more. He waved me on, and I take his hint to keep talking. Its rare to meet someone as taken by books as I was.

      "Behind the skilled expressions and sophisticated writing style, unidentifiable sorrow, anger, emptiness... Dark emotions show through." I get to the point, knowing myself well enough to admit I could go on forever on the various negative, pessimistic emotions I got from Sen's many works. Shuu, to his credit, does not grow impatient with me, or ask me to hurry along. "Maybe she's succumb to despair, and has no hope for anyone. I think that's why she just wants to destroy everything." I finish, slightly embarrassed and short of breath after talking for so long, and for creating a rather heavy atmosphere. Luckily, Shuu comes to my rescue once again.

      "T-that's a unique point of view. That's very interesting." He manages to get out, stumbling over the words as he got more and more excited.  I nod politely, and we spoke for a few more minutes. He is just about to suggest we meet up again like this, when I hear approaching footsteps, and Mutsuki and Saiko calling out for me. I turn to face them, wondering how they found me, but grateful for familiar faces. Laughing, I eagerly greet my subordinates. "Mutsuki, Saiko, making your boss wait for you, you've gotten pretty full of yourselves." I teased, recalling now that I had asked them to meet me here.

      At my light-hearted scolding, Mutsuki became rather nervous, and hurried to explain what had kept them so long, while Saiko on the other hand was perfectly at ease. As per usual. Feeling rude, I addressed Shuu again as I was getting ready to leave.  "I'm sorry, I got to get back to work." I apologize, telling him to take care of himself before I departed, Saiko's grip tight on mine as she pulls me away. Anxious to start moving again. _She never can stay still_ I fondly think, letting my subordinate drag me away. All the while feeling Shuu's eyes on my back the whole time.

~

      "There's a new rose report. Evidence shows Rose and Aogiri tree have some sort of an alliance." An investigator begins, setting the mood and subject matter for the meeting. A look around the table confirms what everyone was thinking. Aogiri has always been a problem for the CCG, but if Rose was in league with them, that could spell serious trouble. From what I've seen so far, Rose is cementing themselves as a formidable enemy.

      "Rose and Aogiri," Shirazu reported, "ambushed our Q's during the investigation. We counterattacked and forced a retreat."

      I nodded along with him, folding my arms on the table. "This is speculation, but they might be targeting associate special class Kijima for revenge because of the video."  I'm more than a little nervous implying the recent ghoul attacks were thanks to Kijima's video. Not only because I could be completely wrong in my assumptions, but because - quite frankly -  he scared me. Knowing and seeing first hand what he was capable of made me very hesitant to cross him. Ever. He reminded me of someone I don't think I'd want to remember.

      "My, my. The video seems to be bringing unexpected results." He giggles, presumably not at all worried for his life, or the lives of others could potentially be at risk because of his actions.

      "Result!?" Special class Koori sits up straighter, an angry expression on his face. "This is giving us unnecessary trouble!" Rank one Furuta agreed. "Associate special class, that is not a result."

      "That so? If Rose and Aogiri get together for revenge, then all we need to do is prepare for battle, and we can find a trail to both those groups." The associate special class replied, extending a hand. "If that isn't a result, then what is?"

      Special class Koori did not agree.  "That depends on whether they took your Invite or not, right?" He tries to argue, but others do not share his opinion, it seemed.

      "I also agree with Kijima." Announced Hairu rather bravely, despite Koori's vaguely disgusted sneer at her.  "As long as we beat them, its no problem right? In the end, if we can't beat them, we wont catch Rose." Is her argument. For a moment, it looked as if she had convinced a few fellow investigators to side with her, until Koori's cold logic sliced through her rationalization.

      "Why would anyone throw a fish net after seeing just a shadow?" His voice drips with contempt over being challenged by a mere first class investigator. Even if briefly. "The problem is that we still don't have a full picture of our foe."

      Hairu, realizing the debate was better left alone, retreated from Koori's gaze, and rested her head on the table. Considering her withdrawal a sign to continue, the Special class dove did just that.  "Is our new enemy Rose and a few Aogiri, or is it Rose and all of Aogiri? The situational difference is too large!" He reasons, and heads around the table begin nodding with renewed grim expressions over our lack of data on Rose.

 _Yeah, what a disheartening position_. Kaneki suddenly whispers to me, sending shivers down my spine, and I spied an odd look from Shirazu, who noticed me stiffen. 

 _If only... There was a way to **get** the information_. My eyes widened as I caught on to what he's suggesting. I have wanted another chance to present my idea to a group of investigators who have some pull in the CCG, and now I have the perfect opportunity. The ramifications from not only Akira, but Koori would not be pleasant, but if I could just somehow get the approval I need, then I wouldn't care how much trouble I got myself into. 

      "If their forces are too strong, even S1 cant handle them..." The Special class trailed off, most likely assuming everyone's silence meant they agreed with him. "If we can grasp the full situation.."

      Its now or never. "If we know their forces, it should be enough right?" I interrupt, Ignoring the fact that Koori's glare is now trained on me.  "Special class Ui, please reconsider my proposal battle plan." I know he is not happy with me for going behind his back and disobeying orders, but even he would not be able to keep the confused whispers of those around us under wraps. In the end, he gave in.

      "... First class Sasaki, please clarify." Taking my chance, I stand up, almost knocking my chair over in my nervousness, and I grip the table. Being careful not to crush the shiny wood between my fingertips. "Y-yes! my plan is to use the ghoul habits and our Qs properties..."

      After I am finished going over all of the important details, I sat back down. Grateful to no longer be the center of attention. Koori is still very displeased with me, but all my cards are on the table for everyone to see. Now, I just needed to pray going against my superiors would pay off. 

      "Lets have a vote then." Ui proposed, not failing to notice how the whispers have erupted once more after I said my part. "First class Sasaki's 'operation mask'. Those who are rank one above, and not part of the Qs squad, please raise your hand if you approve.

      The vote is not instantaneous, but its clear by the resolve of the present investigators what the resounding answer would be. Shiki Kijima is the first to raise his gloved hand. "I think the plan is great. Why was it held off?"  Next is Furuta Nimura, then Hairu, Kuramoto, Shinji, and finally Taishi Fura. 

      "The results are in."

For: 6   Against: 4

First class Sasaki's  proposed 'operation mask': Approved.

~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later.... 

      "Well then, what about you, Sasan?" Shirazu asks me once we have gone over the information we had acquired over the past few weeks. Bringing the Q's attention to me. "Huh?" I let out, caught off guard, and without a proper lie thought through. How could I tell them the reason why I hadn't compiled any tips or info of substance? That would only make them wonder more. Question more about their squad leader who couldn't remember most of his life before his 20s?

      "Ahh.. well.. Not doing too well.." I deflect. If I couldn't think fast on my feet, then I would brush it off. Play innocent. I could tell out of the corner of my eye Mutsuki was not fully convinced. None of them were, except for Urie, who looked like he could care less what I have or have not unearthed from the ghouls. But they trusted me. Only adding to my guilt.

      Eager to get away from the discussion, I jump at the chance to move on with the night. The wind slicing through my thin coat at this altitude. "Anyways, everyone should conclude their reports. One of the conditions of this operation is turning in valuable reports" I urge them. And with that, we leave for home. 

      The terrified screams of the ghouls that fled from me that night stick with me for days to come.  They had called me Eyepatch.

      As we head towards the exit, Shirazu turned to me, a bemused look on his face I could now see since he removed his mask.  "What?" 

      He just shook his head in further contemplation.  "Nothing, its just... You really look like a ghoul Sassan." The other Qs now stop to take another look at me, and I could tell they all agreed with Shirazu. I hated their prying eyes on me.  In that moment, all I want to do is rip the mask off of my face. To never feel the cold leather against my skin ever again; to distance the slowly shrinking gap between me and Kaneki.

 _I am Haise. I am Haise_ , I chant in my head, and laugh off my subordinate's claim. Even when my stomach turns to ice with nerves.

      "Really? I think its scary how the gums are showing..."

~

      A few days after operation mask has concluded, and after just as many sleepless nights, I give in to my curiosities, and find myself searching in the room where they keep the write-ups and reports from past missions. Its the only place I can think of where I could read about the Eyepatch ghoul. I have already tried the CCG database, but came up dry about my past self. It is dangerous, but it's a safer risk than asking around CCG in person. That would've gotten me killed faster than the blink of an eye; probably by people I've known and worked with for years. People I would even consider my friends. 

      I could always just ask Kaneki, but I had a feeling he wouldn't talk to me about it.

      So hours later, and only a few books with lackluster leads to show for it, I am seriously considering throwing in the towel. 

 _'The Eyepatch ghoul!'_ One of the ghouls I try to question cries out, backing away from me so fast he almost trips over his own two feet. All I had done was show my face. _'Why..?!'_ The other is already way ahead of his partner, running away and losing himself in the Tokyo ally's. I don't bother pursuing them; I'm still taken aback by how harshly they had reacted. I knew I was a dangerous ghoul, but had I really been that horrible?

      "Is there... No info at all?" I wonder aloud, running my fingertips along the covers and titles, looking for something that jumped out at me while my thoughts run amuck. What would happen if I couldn't find anything? Would I just have to leave well enough alone? Will I eventually break down and beg Kaneki for answers when I can't stand being left in the dark one more day? A large part of me is still frightened of my past self. The fact that two reasonably capable ghouls ran for the hills at the mere sight of me solidifies that fear. But its still hard to completely fear someone and pass judgment when all you know about them is the flashes and fragments of a life that once was. 

      Kaneki's existence is so restricted he's more of a scary story told around a fire than a person. Each tale almost more ridiculous and elaborate than the last. Maybe if I knew more than just his name, I would have a good reason to lock him within the deepest confines of my mind, and toss the key even further away. 

      Just as I am about to give up, I stumble across a row of older reports based on attacks or investigations in the 20th ward. My intrigue gets the better of me, and I choose one at random. Cracking it open, the first thing that sticks out to me is how rough the work is; like it was scribbled down and catalogued away. Is this a draft report..? I skim through the beginning of a random paragraph, and my breath catches in my throat. 

**'... About the Eye-patch ghoul..'**

      Is... Is this report about me? Have I finally found information about Kaneki? Eager to find out for sure, I continue.

**'About the Eye-patch ghoul. First encountered while on a mission with First-class Mado to investigate Fueguchi...'**

Fueguchi? Did they mean Hinami?

 **'... I suspect he has some kind of connection to 'Rabbit.'**  

      Rabbit? I have heard that alias before, but I had no idea who they are, or what their relation could have been to me. Even more Intrigued than before I keep reading; looking for more info on Rabbit; having momentarily forgotten my quest for clues about my past, but the next paragraph jumps to the following sighting of eyepatch. A battle in the 11th ward, then a lab, and it ends there; abrupt and unsatisfying. 

      Was that it? After hours of searching, that's all I could find? A few notes scribbled down by an investigator I've never even heard of, and who barely shows up in the database. 

      "Amon... Kotaro..."

      I'm so overcome with frustration I could have ripped the report in half, when a stabbing pain rips through my head. Not unlike the feeling I encountered when I had a flashback... Or lately, when I was in the presence of Arima. 

      A sob of distress from behind me draws my attention from the report, and sends cold shivers down my spine. There is a chance its just a coincidence, but past experience tells me exactly who I can expect to see.

      "It hurts.."

      I turn slowly, and am met with a long checkered hallway instead of the room I was just in. Kaneki, who looked a little older than usual, is at the end of that hallway. He appears only a few years younger than I, and is clothed in shabby garments clearly several sizes too big for his thin frame. Around his wrists, were a pair of handcuffs broken at the chain. They jangle around his bloody wrists when he moves to cover his face with his hands. I worry he would begin to claw his eyes out again, but all he did was cry. 

      "I killed him." He whispers, his voice broken up with grief and regret, which only made me wonder more.   

      "Huh?" Is the only thing I manage to get past my lips. I try to move a little closer, but the next words spoken are louder. A warning to steer clear. "I killed him... Its my fault.." If it was possible, he curls up even further into himself; his fingers now pressing angrily in his head like he's trying to crush his skull in. Just looking at the action sends more stabbing pains through my head.

      I watch on in horror as he keeps mumbling to himself, rocking ever so slightly when he manages to stay still for more than a few seconds. 

      "I... Killed Amon..."  

_"I... Killed Amon?_

~~~~~~~~

      "This is S2, we have shot down the Tsukiyama groups helicopter! I repeat..."  I watch, almost in a daze as the helicopter filled with ghouls trying to flee the massacre, is destroyed before me; Leaving an explosion of fire and wreckage in its wake. The horrific smell of burning corpses fills the night air as what is left of the machine plummets stories below to the ground. No one was screaming, but what really got my attention, is the silent presence of someone behind me. Even before I whip my head around, I know who it is. Still, it does nothing to diminish my surprise.

      I couldn't decide if I'm relieved or disappointed he's still alive. "... You're..!" 

      He says nothing this time; a defeated, exhausted look on his face. It hurt to look at Tsukiyama in the eye when he stares me down like that; even if I deserve it.

      "We've shot down the helicopter!"

      "We've eliminated any chance of escape from the roof!" 

      The victorious shouts of my superiors through the earpiece  take me out of the tense situation, and buy me more time to think through the next steps I would have to take to save Tsukiyama's life.

      "First class Sasaki! How's the situation over there?" Ui yells over the chaos on the lower floors.

      Never mind.

      I thought I would have time to talk to Tsukiyama; time to explain. Hell, to help him escape from the mindless slaughter; to apologize for my part in it.  Even without Kaneki's non-stop screaming in my head, I knew this was wrong. But since I'm only a first class investigator, and not a very well trusted one at the best of times. There Isn't much I could do that won't draw suspicion towards myself.  And voicing my hatred over killing my own kind would only create more trouble than what me or my squad needed at the moment, so that was out. Helping Tsukiyama at this point in the operation was now nearly impossible.

      "Sasaki!" Ui yells again, and this time I know remaining silent will do us no good. Staring Tsukiyama down, I give my superior a response. "I... Have no confirmation on Tsukiyama's son yet." I manage to sound convincing as I deliver the lie, and watch Shuu's expression go from worried to confused. This is probably not what he was expecting.

      "... Roger. Remain on standby there."

      "Ok." I answer back, and that is the end of the conversation. Now I have Tsukiyama's complete attention, if I hadn't before. 

      It's quiet for a moment. Disturbingly so for an extermination mission, but eventually I can't help but get something off my mind. "You... So you were a Tsukiyama as well."  He takes no time replying. "Making a false report to your boss... Are you taking pity on me?" 

      "I've been ordered to exterminate you."  That makes him smile. I can't tell if what I have said makes him angry, or he thinks that I'm no match for him. Nevertheless he says nothing, so I carry on. "Due to our positions, we have no choice but to fight. But... Before that, I want to talk to you."

      A sudden gust of wind whips around us; tousling his vibrant hair.

      "... What do you want to ask? Are you trying to learn more about yourself from me before you kill me?"

      Is that what he thinks?  I can't say I blame him, since I did ask him earlier to tell me more about myself, but that is no longer part of the plan. I am out of options when it comes to unlocking my past - besides the flashbacks - because he is in danger. The only reason he is still alive right now is because I lied to Ui to save him. But he doesn't know that, nor would he believe me if I tried to tell him. With time steadily running thin, I see no other way to save his life than to take custody of him like I did with Hinami. I feel the guilt of the situation eating me alive, but with the CCG in the building and surrounding the streets, chances of escape are practically nonexistent. I have no choice.

      "Please surrender-"

      Please forgive me, Tsukiyama.

_Please forgive me, Tsukiyama_

      "Then I could ask the CCG if I could  have ownership rights over you."

      "Surrender, you say?"  With reflexes quicker than I would ever have thought him capable of, he sprints towards me. Fury in his expressive eyes. Forgetting the quinque in my grasp, I leave myself defenceless for his attack. 

      A sharp kick that cracks my ribs sends me flying back, and I cough up blood when I roughly land.  "I would NEVER do that!" He snarls at me, and there is no pity in his next assault as he takes out all of his anger and fear on my body. "My father... And the servants... Have all risked their lives to make sure I survive. This body is no longer my own."

      I groan from where I collide with the wall, and try to put up a decent fight, but for as weak as he had appeared, he is much stronger than me at the moment. 

      "Are you saying I should surrender?" He incredulously implores, "and just sit around carelessly at cochlea until I get killed?"  He moves closer now, his kagune wrapped around his arm in a menacingly familiar way. "I will fight in order to survive." His kakugan activates. "Mister Sasaki... I don't know ANYTHING about you."

      If I do nothing, I know he will kill me. The last thing I want to do is fight him, but like I said before, I don't have a choice. Rising from the ground beneath me, I let my kagune rip through the lower part of my shirt, and prepare myself for the battle.

      Abruptly, and without warning, agony tears through my skull. My vision fades in and out, and I am almost sick because of the sudden vertigo. I grip my head, doubling over in pain.

 _Why? Why now?!_ I think, but the flashback is already starting

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      "Kaneki!" I turn around, and look at the group of people who have risked their lives tonight to help free me from my prison at Aogiri. In my rush to get as far away from the compound, I nearly forgot they were even there. Now that I'm not distracted, I see what condition they are in.  Most of them, save for a few, are covered in deep wounds and bruises. Yomo-san had to support Touka, who was still hurt from her brothers vicious attack, and Banjou was carrying a man I don't recognize. They are lucky to make it out with their lives.

      "Looks like... You're done here." He observes. There may have been a question somewhere in his words, but I can't tell. 

      "... Yes." I reply. In truth, I don't feel accomplished at all; letting the man who put me through agony for over ten days live still feels wrong to me, but I stand by that decision. I'm not like him; I could never kill someone when they're down. I couldn't. 

      "It seems to be over." Yomo muses, almost to himself, as he studies what used to be Aogiri's base from a distance. It looks completely deserted now, save for the helicopter flying overhead.

      Slowly, the adrenaline keeping us tense and on our feet wears off, and they separately come to the realization that it's really done for now. Nishiki, somewhat faster than the others.

      "For a moment there, I thought I was going to die." He manages to laugh at this, stretching his arms behind his head in a relaxed position. "It's hard to believe I'll be going back to a normal life and university soon."

      The thought makes me pause, and fills me with a strange sort of sadness. I'm not going back to my normal life like the rest of them. How could I? That life ended when I went on that date with Rize. And even if I wanted to go back to it all, there is no place for me anymore. I'm different now.

      "There's also work at Anteiku." He continues on, and I can feel Touka staring at me now. "Hey.... You..." She begins, hesitantly, which is off from her usually abrasive nature. It's almost like she didn't know how to talk to me anymore. The possibility makes me feel lonely. Nevertheless, she still has my full attention.

      "When we get back, why don't we change your hair colour?"  She couldn't even look me in the eyes when she was talking. I knew I changed on the inside, but did I really look so different?

      "If you work in the shop like that, you'll stand out a lot..." I can not help but smile as she says this. The prospect of going back to Anteiku makes me happy, but I've already decided what I need to do.

      "I won't be returning to Anteiku." 

      All the individual conversations abruptly stop, and everyone is looking at me in surprise. Even shock. Touka is the most bewildered. Eyes wider than I'd ever seen. "There are things I want to do." I clarify, turning away from the gawking at me. I hated that I was disappointing some of them, but I hated the stares more. "For that reason, I need to prepare. I have to get stronger. There are still a lot of things I need to find out. I have no time."

      "Ka... Kaneki." Banjou stammers, and I glance over to him. He briefly flinches, but is able to get the words out. "You really saved my life this time. I also want to cooperate with you."  He takes a deep, steadying breath, and I try but fail to keep the astonished look off my face.  "I can be your shield or helper, whatever you need me to do. Though, I may not... Be of any use..." 

      I extend my arm to him. "Thank you Banjou-San. You can help me. Let's do our best together." I was intending to do this by myself, but who am I to deny him his offer? It would be cruel of me to wave off his gesture of gratitude. Though, I will admit a part of me is happy I would not be alone on this mission. For a second, he appears surprised I actually took him up on it, but then his face lit up with joy, and he eagerly shakes my hand with enough enthusiasm that even I have to smile. Of course the masked trio quickly follow their friends path, and things are going more peaceful than I expected.

      The sound of clapping draws our eyes over to Tsukiyama, who has been observing the situation with growing interest, and I find myself freezing up even after everything I'd been through over the last few weeks.  The last time I saw him, he was on the floor of the church where he'd tried to eat Ms. Kimi. I thought he was dead, or at least close to it. Seeing him alive and well made me more nervous than Jason in the end. I think it's because I trusted him when we first met; I never trusted Jason. 

      "What a wonderful plan!" He exclaims, striding over to us with his arms outstretched in a welcoming manner. He soon comes up behind Banjou-San, and wraps an arm around the bigger mans shoulders. Both men seem uncomfortable with the situation, and I'm left wondering where he's going with this.

      "If Monsieur Banjoi is the shield then-"

      "It's Banjou, but..."

      Suddenly, he drops to his knees, extending an arm to me in a dramatic gesture that seems overboard even for him. I see Banjou's confused look in my peripherals, and I can't help but agree with him. 

      "I will become the knight that cuts down your road of thorns. If this is his way of apologizing for trying to eat me and my friends, this certainly is an interesting route to take. Despite my lingering fear and resentment towards him, I was still invested in what he has to say. "Tsukiyama-San... So you were alive after all."

      "There's too much left for me to die just yet." He smirks, and I wonder if what he means by that is he has yet to eat me.

      "Can I be of use, Kaneki-Kun?" It's the genuineness in his voice that makes me look away. Old feelings of betrayal swirling inside me.

      "Just... Kaneki is fine..." _Take a deep breath. He can't hurt you anymore. No one can._ "If Tsukiyama were our ally, it would certainly be reassuring. Please lend me your help." I finally concede, much to his relief. 

      "However..."  I lean in close to him. Close enough that no one but him hears what I have to say next. "If you are unnecessary, I will kill you, so please treat me well." I menacingly whisper into his ear, getting my point across with every syllable. It's easier for me if I can keep a watchful eye on him. I hope he doesn't not think this fixes things between us, or that I trusted him now.  I'm hoping that I manage to Instil some fear in him, but if anything, he looks even more excited. I wonder if I am making a huge mistake.

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      When I come back to my senses, I find myself dangerously out of breath, with a quinque tight in my grasp, and my arms raised high as if to deliver a finishing blow. I follow the line of the blade to the person I kneel over. It's Tsukiyama, who is just as tired as me. I can't remember our fight. How did We end up here? Wasn't he winning before I blacked out? I didn't want to hurt him at all, so why...? Sweat drips into my eyes, and I gasp for air above him.

      "You really... Are strong after all." He remarks quietly to himself, and I struggle to hear him with the intense throbbing in my head. The pain increases again like it did before the flashback, and I can't help but let out a groan. I want to get off him, but I discover  I can't move because of the assault going on in my head. My legs also feel like jelly. To make matters worse, I can hear Kaneki screaming in my ear like he was right beside me. My vision goes fuzzy again as his volume rises. Pleading for his friends life.

 _"Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Don't kill him!Don't kill him! Don't kill him!Don't kill him! Don't kill him!"_ He shrieks on in an endless loop.

      My hands begin to shake, and Tsukiyama takes notice of my oncoming meltdown. "What's wrong Haise Sasaki? Kill me." He goads.

      What am I supposed to do?!

 _"Choose! Choose!"_ Is Kaneki's answer.

      The quinque starts to slip between my sweaty hands, and I am about to drop the weapon, when my arm is torn from my body. The shock remains for a second, but soon all I can do is scream as a masked figure throws my severed limb over their shoulder off the building, like it was a piece of litter.

      "Ugh, shut up." They mutter. "You're pissing me off."

      I clench my teeth to stop, but I can't prevent the pained moans that leave my lips. I try to get up and fight this new opponent, but because of the battle with Tsukiyama, the state of my head, and the loss of my arm, I only manage to stay on my feet for a few wobbly steps before dropping to my knees again; gripping the wound to stop the blood flow, but nothing changed. I am not healing fast enough.

      I could actually die.

      ".... Kanae...? Is that you..?" I hear Tsukiyama stutter from where he is; he looks terrified despite possibly knowing who is behind the mask.

      "Ya."

~

      "No name, do you know why the rose is beautiful?" Kanae's cold fingers wrap around my neck, and they walk towards the edge of the building. "Because you pluck it before it withers."

      The ghoul dangles me in the air, only its tremendous strength keeps me from crashing to my death. "If you fall from this height, even being a ghoul won't save you."

      I... I can't breathe...

      Panic starts to set in; I cannot move my arm or legs. I'm frozen in fear, but luckily, someone isn't.

 _... Haise, fight!.._ Kaneki orders, his voice bouncing around uncomfortably in my head.  With a desperate shout, I heed his command, and am somehow able to swing my foot high up to land a powerful kick on the ghoul. His head flies off, but is soon reattached by terrifying black tendrils. 

      I want to marvel over those crazy regeneration skills, but everything goes blurry and my mind shuts off as the fight begins anew. I feel my kagune slice through his stomach, and hear the flesh and organs tearing and rupturing; the sound is somehow distant and familiar. The next thing I know, I'm throwing the ghoul hard against a metal wall and stalking towards him; once again out of breath, and hardly able to focus.

      Random memories are flooding back at an alarming rate that scrambled my - his brain, and I'm surprisingly still on my feet. I hear Kaneki mocking me about how I was supposed to save him; I see checkerboards and flowers all around me as a hand closes around my throat. I don't know if it's mine or his. 

 _You remember, do you?_   He asks me.

 _Die... Die... I should have died that. Day.... Kill me.. Haise... Die!.. I don't want to be happy.... Die me..._  

      I listen to everything being whispered in in the back of my mind as his memories fly by quicker than lightening, but I understand them all.  Most of them, the most important ones, are from only a few years ago, but one in particular creates a knot in my chest. It's...

      It's my mother beating me. 

      Tears run down my cheeks as I watch the old memory play out, and I can do nothing to stop the harsh slaps that turn my face red. I hear myself pleading for her to stop, but I know she won't. She never stopped for me.

      I wish to look away, but I know I can't anymore. What have I ever gained from hiding from these memories? 'My mother was a kind person'? What a joke. 

What a lie.

What a dream.

I really was beat a lot by the people I loved most.

You remember, do you? Yeah, I do remember.

Are you happy Kaneki? 

_No... I was only happy when I got to meet the reaper. But I messed up. I didn't die._

Did I want to die?

_Yes. Definitely. I want to die in style._

Will that be your salvation?

 _Yes!... Can you manage it?_ Yeah. 

I've had enough of dreaming. 

And just like that, I feel the façade permanently fade from my mind. I am back. No more pretending. No more weakness. No more hiding who and what I truly am. No more Sasaki.

Goodnight, Haise. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have no idea when the last one will be out. Hope you enjoyed the long awaited update! I really tried with this one!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed chapter one! I had a lot of fun writing it, but please don't be afraid to tell me if I severely messed up on grammar, spelling, or something didn't add up in anything I write from here on. Other than that, have a good day or night :)
> 
> Comments are always appreciated.


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